Friday, May 7, 2010

Mare-ism-Installment #8

The time has finally come. I know everyone has been waiting "patient"ly for a new Mare-ism. It is not due to the lack of Mare-isms, just a matter of getting myself to write them. Oh yeah, Big Mare has been in rare form these days. I often wonder what she thinks. I would love to be a fly on the inside of her brain.

For instance, you and I know that most urinary tract infections must be treated by a doctor. We also know that the longer treatment is prolonged, the worse they get. Now, I have had only one in my lifetime and it just made me want to crawl into bed and never come out. Oh, the burning , Oh, the pain.

Big Mare was going on day 3. I stopped by her house to say Hi and she shuffled out of her room, hunched over, in her "Crack-whore" gear. (Definition of "Crack-whore" gear: PJ pants, slippers, hoodie w/ hood on, and a robe over it.) She told me that she had a "horrible bladder infection". Have I mentioned that self diagnosing runs in the family?

After bugging her with phone calls, I finally insisted on taking her to the ER at 9pm on a Tuesday night. I picked her up and she shuffled out the door and into my car. I was itching for a Shamrock Shake so stopped at McDonald's along the way and we indulged. (No one is ever too sick to have shake.) In fact, whenever Big Mare would take us to the doctor when we were kids, no matter what the reason, she would stop at Mickey Dee's for us. So we shared a nice moment.

When we arrived at the hospital, Big Mare gets out of the care and immediately runs her hands thru her hair and declares that she left her purse w/ insurance card at home...of course she did. She did remember, however, to bring a plastic bag of "extras", just in case. We shuffle into the hospital and give all the info needed and were taken to a room. Big Mare puts on a gown and hoists herself onto the bed and complained they forgot to give her an extra sheet to cover up with. So I had to search the ER for something for her. I told her if she remembered her purse, they would have given us one but it costs extra to clean sheets and without proof of insurance, they tend to get stingy in the ER:) LOL...

We really didn't have to wait too long for the doctor to come in. He had to be in his late 30's and was fairly good looking. He asked Big Mare some general questions, when did it start and did she have a temperature. Oh boy did she have a temp:

BM: It had to be at LEAST 103-104 degrees.
DR: Wow, is that what the thermometer said?
BM: No, I don't have one...but I just know that is what it was. I was sooo cold, shivering under my covers, I just know it was that high.
DR: Hmm.. interesting.

At this point, I was just wanted to die. It took everything in my being to hold my chuckles. But what happened next, just made me want to run, just run like the wind. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I would witness such a moment in my life.

Dr: Does that hurt?
BM: No.. lower, she says in a calm even toned voice. (He presses lower.)
Dr: There?
BM: Oh, NO, lower, she says in a louder voice. (He presses lower.)
Dr: How about there?
BM: OH YEAH...OH YEAH... That's it! Right there! Big Mare screams with excitement.

I wanted to die! It sounded like the scene in Harry Met Sally, you know the one where she is in the cafe? I don't know how else to describe it. I felt I was intruding on a romantic moment. Running out of the room was not an option because the damn Hipaa laws require privacy, therefore, the door was closed. No running was out of the question. Cowering in the corner, covering my face was my only option.

Needless to say, we were out of there within the next 20 minutes. Yes, a severe bladder infection. Mare is doing fine and has recovered but the memory is still burned into my brain and I think I might need therapy to get over it.

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